I can feel that I soon will get one of these anxiety states soon. I’m so scared but I don’t know why. In furious I try to find one just one reason why I’m so scared. “Is it because of the nutridrink? No it can’t be because of that... dammit!” I hate losing control, and that is what is happening to me now. I can’t take this. I just want to die.

I am also full of restlessness. I have to do something. Do some exercising. I have to consume at least 400 kcal! I have to do 500 sit-ups, 100 push-ups and some cardio. I just have to! But I can’t. I’m so afraid to wake my mum and be busted. I have this contract with my doctor that I won’t exercise; if I do I have to go back to the hospital, because my body can’t take this training. It’s too weak. If I do some exercising I will expose myself for a life-threatening danger. Screw them! I can’t just sit here and look when I get fatter and fatter. I have gained 0.5 pound today. *shocked*

But on the other hand I really want to do this, to overcome my fear and my endless struggle with food. Why can’t I eat a lollipop without getting this overwhelming fear, this fear of getting fat. Why can’t I just be normal.....

I have to go to try to get some sleep, but I doubt I will. I haven’t slept more than two hours every night this week. I’m worn-out, mentally as well as physical. I try to get an intoxication, but I neither use drugs or drink alcohol, my intoxication is with starvation and binges... Pleas let this insanity stop.

Good night!

before - after

© Nemi 2002/2003